JOHN'S JOKES

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"WOW"
An American takes a trip to Saudi Arabia to attend a business meeting. Once he arrives at the destination airport, he finds out that the meeting location is on the other side of the desert. So he starts walking.... After a couple of hours he is very tired and hot. Luckily he reaches a camel rental station! So he decides to rent a camel. Since he had never ridden a camel before, he asks the attendant how to ride it. The attendant responds: " Simple! You get on top of the camel. When you want him to start walking you say 'wow'. When you want him to go faster, you say 'wow, wow'. If you want him to go really fast, you say 'wow, wow, wow'". So the guy gets on the camel and says "wow". The camel starts walking. The guy thinks "hey! this is cool. I can get a hang of this". So he says "wow, wow". The camel starts running slowly. Well, the guy likes that and he thinks "let's see what this baby can do"! So he says "wow, wow, wow". At this point the camel starts dashing across the desert. The guy notices that a deep ravine is approaching; really fast. At this time he realizes that he forgot to ask the attendant what the "stop" command was. Well, he gets really scared and starts praying. The ravine keeps getting closer and closer... Right when him and the camel are about to dive into the ravine, he finishes his prayer with "amen". Hearing this word, the camel suddenly stops; right at the edge of the cliff. The guy, white as a ghost, leans forward and looks at the bottom of the really deep ravine and says
"wow"!

"Young Priest - Old Priest"
An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from the house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying you "do not" sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

What If DR. Seuss Wrote Computer Tech Manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Doctor! Doctor!
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill,
but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.
So,that night at dinner, she does.
About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!
I put it in the potatoes like you said!
It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor,
grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong.
The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to Sizzlers anyway."

SOLDIER ON R&R.
During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.
The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down", he said.
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant".
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious." With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down.
The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

Dad & Dave On The Farm
Dad, Mabel and their son Dave lived on a small farm in the Murry river district of
New South Wales, Australia.
Poor Dave had no one to play with but he sure had a knack for getting into trouble.
One hot summer afternoon Dave was walking past the outhouse (outside bush toilet), which perched precariously on the bank of the mighty Murry river, when he had a mischevious idea.
Dave was a strong lad and so he used all his might to push the outhouse into the river.
He couldn't control his laugher as the outhouse floated out of sight.
A few hours later Dad came up to Dave
and asked " Dave did you push the outhouse into the river".
"NO" said Dave.
So Dad sat down with Dave and told him the story of George Washington and the cherry tree.
Dave was impressed by the fact that George Washington's father didn't punish George
because he was honest and admitted to his father that he had cut down the cherry tree.
When Dad asked Dave " did you push the outhouse into the river"
Dave proudly answered " yes father I can not tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the river ".
Dad gave Dave a terrible beating with his belt.
Dave sobbed " George Washington didn't get punished when he told his father the truth".
Dad replied " yes but his father wasn't up the cherry tree ".

Joes Barber Shop

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he

snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"

The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded

dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya

getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their

flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in

Rome?"

The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms

are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So

whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the

Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying

to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip.

You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, > "Well,

how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your

life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one

of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class.

The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight

attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling.

It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they

apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard

tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally

meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private

room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes

the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a

few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that awful haircut?'"

BUMPER STICKERS

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
*If you fall off a cliff you may as well try to fly, you have nothing to lose.